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moving
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Mar. 2nd, 2004 @ 12:44 pm
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im moving back to texas.. yay!
yeah bitches, what now?!
ct sux ass. really, it does. there is only one person i'm gonna miss, thats it. and he knows who he is. i dont even know when im going back, rents are going after graduation, i might stay here for school. but still... texas will be home again. I heard a rumur today... i wont post it though
its harmful
but its juicy.
xoxo
-me-Current Mood:  amused Current Music: lala |
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Feb. 1st, 2004 @ 07:32 pm
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...and i find it kind of funny
i find it kind of sad
the dreams in which im dying
are the best ive eevr had....
i dont know if this is healthy. hes fucking up my life. i dont like being in love.
(bruises prove it's real)Current Mood:  depressed |
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Jan. 28th, 2004 @ 07:25 pm
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i just got back from the barn- i lubb it mucho. rode silver, hes such a doll, took him over the x-country course wish i could have taken harley out. silver was really good today too, i wish i could have ridden that well in show, not just in practice. whatever. i got a new fixer upper saddle. it really doesnt need that much work, just new leathers and soap. i got dressage stirrups too, they are gonna take a while to get used to.
im mad at some people. and they know who they are, and exactly what they did. you guys have no clue what goes on, dont talk about what you don't know. ben and i are going out in a bit, his car is fixed, and as much as i hate that tin can, i dont have to drive now.
and, chryssie, shes a bloody whore. i can't believe shes engaged to franco, holy hell, you see him twice a month.
xoxo
jessCurrent Mood:  awake |
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i went to his grave today, and i realy felt nothing. i didnt cry like i do sometimes, i just thought it was weird that he had a stone even though he's ashes and not in a box under the ground. i dont know, i think about weird things. i also thought it was to cold to wate my time there....
fuck his marker, you arent missed. |
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Jan. 16th, 2004 @ 05:51 pm
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IM DOWN TO 115!! WHEE!!
finally, im dropping the IOL weight, fuck IOL and weight gain, it doesnt fix things, it makes things worse.
took pepper out for a good 4 hrs on the metacomet, she amazes me daily with how far she has come. went bareback for a while, just cause i could, and that feeling is something i can never replace, just running through the woods, holding main and squinting my eyes cause the air is so cold. i feel more alive when im out on a trail alone than i do with my friends. everything just seems so much clearer when im running aimlessly and dont care about going home.Current Mood: excited |
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Jan. 16th, 2004 @ 08:57 am
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footsie - you like to goof around and laugh with
the people you care about.
What Sign of Affection Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla |
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Jan. 15th, 2004 @ 07:50 pm
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school got cancelled due to how cold it is.. HELLYEAH
ben is coming over..... ooooohlala.
i love that boy.Current Mood: cheerful |
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im making a new fat book, i bought one of the nbk's at staples and i got a million quotes in it already.. and i just need to do pictures, which ill start collecting magazines for. im excited. i love new projects!!
i hate fake people, really i do. i hate people who for so long your friends with.. and then they just change and become everything they said theyd never be again... why cant any one be real?
i know what i am, im not going to pretend differently. you make yourself look so pretty in your white lies.Current Mood:  annoyed |
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Jan. 15th, 2004 @ 03:39 pm
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last cigarette: like a year and a half ago.. at morgans house.. it was to see if i could inhale. i cant
last kiss: er.. i dont know
last cry: a few days ago
last library book checked out: Lionns on Horses.. its about how to "deesensitize" young horses for everything.. trailering to trail riding
personality disorders: depression, ed nos, OCD, bipolar II.. but im getting better
last movie seen: 2 weeks notice
last book read: Angels and Demons
last cuss word uttered: shiiit
last beverage drank: H2O
last food consumed: left over stew
last crush: i love my ben
last phone call: that i made? Dom last night.. i needed help on enviro
last tv show watched: news this morning
last shoes worn: new balance tennis shoes
last cd played: a burned one
last item bought: Windows XP plus
last soda drank: coke
last thing written: something in DID/MPD
last key used: backspace
last word spoken: LOGAN!!
last sleep: um.. 9-6 this morning
last im: bethel
last sexual fantasy: er..
last ice cream eaten: dont like ice cream
last time wanting to die: couple months ago
last lipstick used: i only use lip gloss
last time dancing: Hippodrome a few sundays back
last show attended: Jeff Pevar
I HURT: small insects
I LOVE: my family, my animals, horses, writing, poetry, friends.. but only a few of them, Texas, a few of my old teachers, ferrets, life ed, babysitting
I HATE: how much i weigh, food, dieting, stupid people, most people in suffield, suffield, fighting with people, fighting with my parents
I FEAR: death, needles, loosing friends, having people relize what a loser i am, someone calling me fat
I HOPE: ill loose weight.. soon..
I FEEL: fat.
I HIDE: my eating habits, my diarys, razor blades i dont use but am attached too
I DRIVE: a 01 beetle
I MISS: Lisa, Texas, TX, what i used to weigh
I NEED: to not eat as much, to stpo wirting and do my homework
I THINK: alot about food
Current music: Shes not justa pretty face- shania twain
Current hair: pony tail
Current thing i should be doing: homework
Current desktop picture: trees and snow
What do you most like about your body? my eyes..
How many fillings do you have? 2
Do you think you're good looking?: no
Do other people often tell you that you're good looking? yeah..
Do you look like any celebrities? brooke shields
Words of wisdom: Reach high, for the stars lie hidden in your soul. Dream deep, for every dream precedes the goal.
- Pamela Vaull StarrCurrent Mood:  bored |
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blah.
stupid title.. its how i feel though.. im starting to get a grip, waking up, doing homework *lol* o god. and now im wide awake.. im usually in bed by now.
im going to bed
jessCurrent Mood: awake |
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im so sick of child development.. well not the class, i like the class.. its the people in it. really.. they are so fake, act so rude. they think im this stupid bimbo who knows nothing about anything.. they dont know shit. seriosly, if thats what they think... eh, fuck them. thats just how i act when i dont feel like acting real. why act real to someone who wont act real to you? They are so oblivious to me.. they dont even see that i cant stand them and there petty problems. like i give a damn about how sad you are that your boyfriend is going to be 7,000 miles away on valentines day. its not the 7,000 miles away you care about, you just care that hes not going to be there on valentines day. that your not gonna have some hand to hold and feel cool. You act like your so fucking special because you have a boyfriend for 12 months... act like you know everything about realtionships.. when youve only actually been around him for 2 months. How can you know about keeping a relationship when youve only had a long distance one?? you dont know anything, you think its all about valentines day and sappy letters, its there for the show and not for the truth. you want people to know youve got a boyfriend, i dont think youd care if you didnt, as long as you can say you do.
And you think i care about your sex life? good for you. youve had sex. tell someone who cares. i dont want to know the things ya'll do, just thinking of you fucking ANYONE is enough to make me gag... your dirty enough.
And.. to the other person.. you think you know everything about real relationships? i heard you yell at sav cuz you didnt think she did.. so you must.. that is if a real relationship consists of sleeping with other guys while dating someone..and dating a guy just a back up. thats sick. and pathetic. im waiting for you to get burned bad, and really, you deserve it.
I cant stand people who always have to have boyfriends. god- we are in highschool. highschool is not meant for you to fall in love and i dont beleive any one who says they are at our age. we know nothing about anything.. we havent had nearly 1/2 our life experiences.. but we think we are in love?? It's all shit.
And the whole talking about people thing.. its gotta stop. i cant stand it anymore.. grow up. i mean, yeah, i love ben, i love him the way i love my best friend, and im not dellusional enought to think i'm any more special to him than he is to me. i love being with him, but i know its not forever... i dont think i would want it to be.
there is so much more to vent about this class.. ill write it later..Current Mood: angry |
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1. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
2. Am I lovable?
3. How long have you known me?
4. When and how did we first meet?
5. What was your first impression?
6. Do you still think that way about me now?
7. What do you think my weakness is?
8. Do you think I'll get married?
9. What makes me happy?
10. What makes me sad?
11. What reminds you of me?
12. If you could give me anything what would it be?
13. How well do you know me?
14. When's the last time you saw me?
15. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
16. Do you think I could kill someone?
17. Describe me in one word.
18. Do you think our friendship is getting stronger, weaker, or staying the same?
19. Do you feel that you could talk to me about anything and I would listen?
20. Are you going to put this on your live journal and see what I say about you?Current Mood: amused |
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i just wanted to make an apology to bethel. really, im sorry if what i said was hurtful, but what you said was hurtful to and i retaliate. sorry. i dont feel like fighting anymore, the whole thing is really stupid. And leah.. and im pretty sure its leah who posted here... i dont even know you so mind your own bussiness and dont fight someone elses battles.
xoxo
p.s.
call me if you really are going to return my nbk.. you know the number |
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i hate school. im so sick of it.. waking up @ 5 a, just to go somewhere that gives me panic attacks. its not cool. and mid terms. ugh. im going to fail. my parents will hate me.
im sick of not being good enough, i dont think i ever have been, i dont think i ever will be.
i pissed ben off, he gets so angry. every one is so fucking angry. i told him not to touch me, im sick of the bruises. im sick of everything. i dont know how i feel anymore, one minute hes so damn sweet, the next, it just brings me back to when i was a kid. i just want him to be the sweet all the time, i like the hugs, but sometimes, he holds to tight.Current Mood: sympathetic |
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Jan. 11th, 2004 @ 06:09 pm
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went to my great grams 95 b-day party today.. and everyone commented on how much weight ive lost. it was awesome.
I talked to sarah, she is pretty triggering, but im sure i am to here too. I eat fewer cals than her, and that surprises me. hm..
food for thoughtCurrent Mood: amused |
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she always ran from heaven sent
she didnt want to believe
she she prayed tot he god of lies blamed her pain on you and me
forever wished that she was free
from a life of yesterdays
i wanted to know her
but she wouldnt let me in
afraid i might discover
she was nothing at all
her sun is starting to set
and her god tells her that shes beautiful
but she knows the truth
so she ran and ran until time caught up
and stole her very breath
i pinched her in her death
and felt her soul beneath her skin
like ice between my fingersCurrent Mood: cynical |
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youd think this would bother me.. but it doesnt. why should it? i mean.. really.. crack whore. if your going to act like a 10 yr old, go ahead, im not going to join you. stay out of my business.
on a much lighter note.. Tobey is singing to me.. cat calling or whatever you call it.. maybe wolf whistle? i dont know. any ways its cute.. allways makes my smile.
Im better than this. I'm better than them.
I got accepted into Keene State.. im excited, i havent gotten one rejection letter yet! wohoo! i knew applying was worth my time. College is going to be so much different.. and im excited. Ill be free ya know? be able to let myself go, have fun, do what i want, eat how i want.. be who i want
its going to be awsome
im talking to sarah from iol...Current Mood: chipper |
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say your life sux
and your filled with teen angst
everyones told you
your in such a bad place
slice up your wrists
show the whole world your scars
if lies make you beautiful
you'll be a star |
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so.. im transfering to LJ.. not really, ill still keep my DL but.. i need LJ too. i dont know, im compulsive about creating diarys and never using them. I will always <3 my DL :)
ppl are dumb. DUM (w/o the B of course) and i dont understand them.
I <3 Harly. Hes a handsom handsom boy. pepper is doing AMAZING. its so cool to see what she came from, and see how wonderful she is now..... |
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